I’m not having kids. I won’t have any cute pictures to show off to anyone. I won’t have anyone to kiss the booboo for. No one to watch change and grow. No one to raise. Then again I’m likely to be the old spinster aunt. I guess I just can’t see myself with anyone or having children. The past two years have taken a real toll on me. Being at this point in my life is taking a toll on me, too. I have friends. Friends who are married or on their way to being married. Friends with kids. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like I fit in because of that. *sigh* I’m very sensitive about fitting in. I always have been. I’ve been so traumatized so it makes sense, but it makes me sad. I’m a lot better than I used to be about it. But I know there are friends that I have that I can’t really connect with because I don’t have kids. *shrug* I do try. But I don’t have the experience to share with them. I don’t think I could handle kids. I certainly can’t handle having a guy. The dynamics of relationships change upon the addition of a significant other or child. I don’t really care for change and I tend to have trouble adjusting. I get awkward and shy. People don’t understand. I feel like I try so hard sometimes and it just doesn’t work. Right now, it still stings to see happy couples - and I know a lot of happy couples. Maybe I’m swinging to the extreme, but I don’t see any guy sticking around with all the problems that I have.

But I am never alone. I have Jesus. I do have people who love and care for me. Or at least the parts of me that they see. I work hard to conceal certain things - like my depression. I’ve been told since I was young that people don’t like to have unhappy people around. And its proven out in life. So people like to have me around, but not too often - I can’t always keep up the face of calmness or happiness. So maybe its a good thing they’re so far away. *shrug* I don’t know.

I was in an accident. I'm fine. They totaled my car. I have to get a new one. Which means I have to have car payments. Which means I have to give something up in order to make they payments. So no more cable or internet for me at home. I'll be on from time to time at my mom's and at work, but no where near as often as I am now. So if you need to contact me, you can still do the main email or you can call my cell. If I know you and you want my cell, email me at my main email. I'll miss all of you. *hugz*

We've been dating for one year as of..well...probably an hour from now. He went home for Christmas and found the ring so we now have an official engagement ring again. He gave me a rose last night. I go pick him up in about two hours. We have about two hours to kill before we have to leave for Weirton. I'm not sure what we'll do. Probably hang out at Starbucks. I hope I remember how to get to Weirton and more specifically the Weirton Eat'N Park. Directions are about the only thing we argue about. So hopefully that will all go well and it will be a good night.

I'm cleaning and going through things. Its always harder to do than you think. I found some pictures while cleaning and they reminded me of friends long past. I miss those friends. I don't know that they'd recognize me anymore but some I thought I'd grow up with, some I thought I'd grow old with, and some I thought I'd always know. I hate to say this, but I was wrong. But to LP, JR, EM, and KF - may your lives be full of joy.

I feel so dissatisfied tonight. I guess I should start off by saying I'm down on one of my meds. I haven't really told anyone yet. Well, until now. When I went to Eckerd and asked for my drugs, I asked for Lexapro, which is what I got. Unfortunately they only gave me one of them. I get two - a 20 and a 10. I only got the 20. So I'm down 10 mg. Its been this way for at least a week. I've not had any big problems and I'm hesitant to blame this night on it. I do feel discouraged. I found out today that they're not raising the rent (yay!) but they're going to start charging for gas and it can be up to $75 a month. How are they going to split the bill up? How do I know that they are being honest about it? Terry says its not legal if I don't have control over it, but I'm not sure about that. They do it with the garbage, but that can be evenly split among the units. I have no control over how high they have the heat. I know I would have the heat lower than it is. The good Lord knows I run my fan every night trying to keep cooler. I would love for it to be cooler. Why should I have to pay for heat I don't even want. I'm sitting here and my hands and feet are sweating. Am I going to have to pay for the gas that the north campus uses to cook? There are questions that I have about this. The thing that sucks is that they didn't send me the paperwork that they should have back in October so I didn't know about this until today and I have until the 30th to get out if I decide to move. I don't know who I'd get to help move me or where I would move to. I don't know if another place would be cheaper if it doesn't include utilities. I'm also tripped up because I have a cat and I have a potential dog. I don't know when Terry and I are getting married so I don't know when Israel would be moving in, if he does. I don't want him to. But if I'm going to have a dog then I have to have a place that will take a dog, specifically this dog. Right now I'm willing to give up my cat to find a good place. I don't want to go through trying to find a new place. I don't want to have to pack everything up and move again. But that could just be because I feel discouraged right now. I really don't know what to do and I have to decide quickly. I hate that. So pray for me, if you could and if you have any thoughts, share them. And don't worry. I've got another entry for tonight. :

okay, so I have some pretty crazy things going on here and I need some prayer. so if all y'all could do me a favor and pray for clarity and confidence in this time of trouble, I'd appreciate it. maybe more later. not sure how much i want to divulge to whom

So I went to Eat'NPark for what I thought was coathanging with Ian and Megan and Russ and David and Katie and Kevin and Angela. Ian's going on about how its the 10th anniversary of coathanging (which it wasn't) but it was all a ruse! A ruse, I say! The truth was Terry dragged me all the way to the Eat'N Park (which is five minutes from my apartment, but who's counting?) to ask me to marry him! Of course, I said yes! How could you think otherwise. :D So I'm officially engaged. Yay!

Work is going well. We're going to be switching to doing what our team is supposed to be doing - working the mpwr report. And no, I don't know what that means. I probably should, but I don't. I've been doing very well for myself, production wise. I even got a quality check that came back at 100%. Our focal reviews are in and are waiting for approval by the big boss. I think they go to the big big boss, too. These are the reviews that determine our raises. We're supposed to hear back on them around the last week in July and the raises go into effect the first week in August. *shrug* Nothing to do but wait.

Not much to tell really. Got to go to the arts festival with Terry, which was fun. He's become a safe person so it went well. Mostly. I didn't wear the best shoes in the world for it. And we almost didn't get a parking space. Luckily Terry found one. Umm....what else have we done recently. We've gone for coffee and gone to the diner a lot. I had dinner with Angela last Thursday. I know - its totally unrelated. It was a lot of fun. We watched a movie and she made an awesome dinner. A little on the garlicky side, but it was all good. I don't get to see him again till Friday, which is disappointing. I should be used to that by now, but I'm not. I just don't like it. LOL. I'm certainly jumping around on topics tonight, aren't I?

Well its late and I need to sleep. I've been very frustrated and angry today and I'm feeling a bit on the depressed and hopeless side right now. Sleep would be best. And prayer. I think I'll go do that.

Well, its been awhile. I've been out with Terry a lot. I'm in love with him. Things are going very well for us. We're happy.

stolen from hologramgirl
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing! I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

There are times, like now, when I sit here knowing I want to make a post but having no idea what to say. So much has gone on, yet so little has happened. I go to work, every work day and do my job to the best of my abilities. I go to sleep each night with a handful of medications. Another handful when I get up in the morning, usually later than I want to be up. All that is the same. I spend hours reading. I just got through almost the entire Honor Harrington series (I have to go back and catch one I missed the first time around). That, too, is no different. Same old, same old.

Then there are the things that have changed. The biggest and most obvious is that I have a boyfriend. Therefore I'm spending a lot more time out and about. I think he's a wonderful man. No, I'm not blind to his faults. I just happen to think he's wonderful in spite of them. I've been going to church. Another big change, but a good one. Just in time for Lent, too. :) I'm working on a Bible in a year program. So far its going well. I'm supposed to get together with a bunch of girls tonight, but I'm a little nervous about that. I'm hoping that I can get a ride, but I'm not counting on it. I know I can do it. I just know I'll have butterflies. I hate those types of butterflies.

So that's that. The new and the old. At least I can say I updated!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO.....ME!

If you read this, even if we do not speak often, comment with one memory of me.
It can be anything you want, good or bad.
Just as long as it happened.
Then post this on your livejournal to see what other people remember about you...

stolen from [Bad username: buckyspurplemonkey]

Well, I went out and bought it. Twenty five hours later I finished it. (I had to work and sleep in there too) I'm not too sure what to say. I'd say somethings, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

btw, I did figure out why I don't like the harry potter movies - and its more than just that they changed things and left things out. The movies make things too real. Maybe if they had been cartoons (and I mean old style cartoons, not the computer generated stuff they have lately) the fantasy would still be strong. I don't want my fantasy worlds crashed in on with reality. And that's really all I have to say about that.

stolen from sarah_cb

If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing LJ entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your Live Journal.

I stole this, word for word, from tyskkvinna

"I have something for everybody here to read.

And after you read it, I want you to share it with everybody that you can, as well.

As many of you know, I work for The Geek Group. (www.thegeekgroup.org) We are a non-profit education organisation in the area of science and technology. We have members in all 50 states and in over 35 countries around the world. Membership in the Group is free to most anybody, the only requirement is to have a science desire to learn about science and technology. Any education level, any educational background, any level of knowledge in any area of science and technology. We do have a lot of members who are experts in their field, but we have a mass amount of members who simply want to learn, and enjoy doing so.

We fill the gap that schools are simply not able to fill. How many of you in your high school science classes learned about the weather solely from a book? Or electricity? Or astronomy? Or physics? Or most everything..? We are providing something very unique for the students local to Kalamazoo, they are getting the opportunity to do hands-on learning in a manner that doesn't really exist anywhere else. We have members who are working on chapters and doing the same in their local regions, but our main headquarters is here in Michigan.

For those that visit us only online, we are a resource for learning for you, too. Check out the website and read up on what your particular interest is. We're currently working on totally re-vamping the site, too, so it'll be even better soon. :)

We exist to change.

We exist to show the world that education can be different, can be more hands-on.

It's a great idea, and we've proven that people love it. During our one-year feasibility study at the lab most of you have seen through my photographs, we had school groups, scout groups, science fairs.. and everybody loved it. After we closed to find a new lab, we have had people contacting us eager for us to open again, so they can come back. We've found where we want to go, we're working on getting the new lab. But we need help to do that.

I know most of you reading this are Geeks, in some manner or another. Go to the website, check it out. If you have an interest and want to help create some wonderful change, fill out a member application. Post this in your journal for everybody -you- know to read.. I'm sure you know many people who would love the opportunity to be in involved in a group such as ours. Tell your friends to tell their friends, and the word will spread like mad. Post this in your own journal, or link to my post here. It'll be awesome. Let's get a thousand new members from this, a thousand new people to participate in a project that's never been seen before.

The internet is a powerful tool, and was built for such a reason as this."

I know some of you will be interested.